Not today, you bastard.
(LONG. ASS. POST. You've been warned)
My lifelong depression has reached something new. It's been numbing what it can, but I've been fighting it, if only with pain. Pain is something ( though don't worry about the implications, I'm not hurting myself... "that way"...
) numbing is nothingness. It's been ups and downs as I went through the meltdown this last year and a half, but I realized something a couple days ago that knocked me over.
Depression has been numbing my critic's razor wit. Now, by "razor wit" I don't mean "razor" like "so sharp/great", I just mean it's harsh. By wit I mean not that I have a ton of wit ( most of it was on the juvenile side, because that was funny... in context
) but I had some
. And it was marvelous. It was a venting tool that was more fun than riding an actual roller coaster, I'd prefer it to the best sex ever--though not over someone worth having sex with, but that is all about their personality and no sex is needed, there.
Point being that this is something that was VERY valuable to me. And depression was tearing it from me to the point where I couldn't feel it in me anymore during things it used to spur up about.
I was scared shitless. Even when I knew it was a strong part of me, I had no idea it was THAT important to me. It's ingraned as part of my identity, a powerful connection to my creativity, which, as an artist, is a HUGE motherfucking deal. It was like someone came in and not only said they were going to drain my blood but had all the tools, complete with visually unclean tools for the task and assistants--all proving that they're SERIOUS. And that I had no time or room to run because they're RIGHT THERE.
I have never felt dread quite like this over anything about my depression. Normally only anxiety can do this to me. But that's inflated fear coming from outside one's actual persona while this was actual coming-from-me fear. More accurately, terror.
But... I mean... what do you do? When you get a cut, you clean the wound then apply neosporin and appropriate bandaging. What the fuck do you do about mental damage? Not just "I need my mood picked up... *watches Imvader ZIM*..." This is a mental organ being cut out. Where's the needle and surgical thread or even regular thread ( not healthy, but there's an episode of M*A*S*H where they had no choice--life's not a TV show, but when you have no choice you have no choice is the point
) and you're sewing blind, regardless. You can't just SEE this shit, it's on the inside. It's around as diffcult as actually stitching up a hole in your liver all by yourself. You gotta pry yourself open, proper lighting set up, mirrors in place to see without scrunching up and compromising the incision as you work... and pray you don't sneeze.
Panicked out of my soul and no idea what to do, I reflexively launch out to land myself into things that will spark my old lightning bolt back up. I recall someone once commparing me to Roger Ebert, a person who I've barely known as a critic of some form. I vaguely recall it being mentioned loooong ago that Ebert had rating a certain something as something something, context being "oh wow, Ebert said this, because Ebert is well known as critic guy" etc. I literally knew nothing more than this.
After watching an episode I remember a very distant memory of two guys sitting in a very similar setting, reviewing movies, as I was channel surfing. Didn't think anything of it and while that memory does have some semblance to Siskel and Ebert, in the faces, I really can't remember. It could have been an imitation for all I know.
I'm looking at comedians who have harsh jokes, like Lewis Black, maybe Daniel Tosh ( but his style is more "ten year old with adult bullshit", which works for him
), and I need to do more research on that to find more names.
Going to be watching Invader ZIM, reading JTHM and I Hate Fairyland v1, as well as the "bwahaha" era of the Justice League 80s titles.
I need to find characters that fit what I need and expose myself to them, hoping they don't sue me like a Hollywood exec ( lol, see my work paying off?
). I've been thinking about getting into the groove of Harley Quinn and Deadpool, as I think they're going to be excellent tools for pushing me along, with their wacky and usually willily insightful humor/attitudes. Deadpool is on the silly(ier than what I'm looking for) side and Harley is handicapped by her insanity, but if I can direct her to focus on this kind of stuff it could really work.
And no, I didn't pick those two because "OTP, OMGGGG", no, lol. Harley shouldn't be with anyone but the asshole abuser, Joker, representing domestic abusive relationships everywhere continually. Deadpool I do feel could have a partner that compliments him but I haven't really seen him with anyone who does.
* I had to edit this part and take out the longish explanation of how I see Harleypool getting on, platonically, lol. That's not the point of this post.
Anyway, by indulging all this stuff I'm basically giving myself steroid injections and antibiotics to boost the fuck out of my system in hopes that the system will be able to handle the healing on it's own, no sewing involved. I suppose that's like inflating your physical health so much that it regrows the parts of the organ that have been cut rather than sewing it together. I guess that makes sense. Dead tissue can't be part of the system anymore, after all.
Moving on to the medical tool and application.
I finally had a reason to update my was-installed-upon-purchase-of-phone Youtube widget and create a channel to save things in a playlist. For Siskel and Ebert stuff, if I could find it. The first I found was a channel that had two and three minute snipets of the show, the second had full episodes.
I'm finally watching this show for the first time. It was one of those "WHERE HAS THIS BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE" things, lol! I love when they lay into a movie they hate
I'm right now listening to them shred Friday The 13th, 4th movie. They're calling it gore porn that you can only enjoy if you're a sadist, making me wonder what they'd think of the SAW movies.
They hated Weekend At Bernies, a movie I love, but I love listening to them skewer it, I only wish they had done a point by point roast.
All last night I listened to this channel and am listening to it all night tonight. While I'm on this sleep schedule, I may as well get some things done.
All day today I felt slight impulses to respond to a few things in similar to criticisms heard on the show, though of my own blend. Almost the way I used to. Considering how big a deal it is when depression numbs you ( taking an organ out is kinda huge and all
) I was surprised that it was working so fast, but in the old days something like this would have had me on the train all day rather than just a few times. I could feel the warmth of vague "sense." Like when your nerve endings are dead but reawakening, just a little bit. Feels fuzzy, but it's FEELING, and not even pain!
Overall, experiences in mental illness continue to be an ever-interesting, if not an ever-terrifying, experience. A long running, life altering, painful series of lessons, to be sure.